Monday, July 6, 2009

I hate being down

I haven't been on here in a few day's, truth be known I am so miserable that I don't feel like doing anything. I know, need to look at the bright side, stay strong and you know, I try very hard to do that . Most of the time I do a pretty good job of it. But there are times when my disability gets the best of me. I think I do really well controlling the constant physical pain, you do get to a point, you know it is going to be there and it's not going away and you figure out a way to carry on and ignore it. My biggest frustration is the financial crap. Learning how to never have enough to cover the most basic needs just really sometimes puts me over the edge and I just don't know how to handle it. I have worked so hard my whole life. If anyone had ever told me the day would come that I could not go out and get a job to take care of myself I would have said they were out of their mind. And now that so many people are out of work it has gotten worse. I have put so much of myself into the things I can do like my Etsy store and my Avon store, yet it gets me no where. While I keep telling myself to stick with it and when the time is right it is going to work but day's like today when I am once again losing everything it is really hard to beleive in myself. So when the emotional stuff gets to me, I can't deal with the physical pain and between the two I just want to give up. I just don't feel like continueing to push myself, what makes me think I deserve a roof over my head or electricity and just how do I justify spending money to be online?
I am not telling you this to say feel sorry for Debbie, I told you when I started this it was just my diary open to the public, that being said, I think it may be just as important to tell you when my life sucks as when I am feeling strong and confident and good about myself because you know what? In A few day's down the road I will be feeling better. And I know this and it is the reason I can carry on even when I just want to Lock myself in my room get into bed and not come out. There, I have unloaded all this crap off my chest. Maybe that's the first step to feeling like Debsparkles again.

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