Thursday, October 23, 2014

As the months roll by

Well many months later I still can't put a picture up.  I don't understand because I am doing the same things I have always done plus trying different things when the "right" way won't allow it.  Oh well.

Yes I have been missing for many months again.  A great deal has happened and once again life has managed to put a stop on all my ideas and plans.  For the last year I have been spending several day's a week at my folks house because they became more and more ill as the years has gone by.  Last July, I had just gotten there to spend my usual 2 or 3 days and my world got pulled right out from under my feet.  I had only been there an hour or so doing my usual pick up, clean up, wash some dishes routine.  My mom had been sick for a few day's again and I was questioning her when all of the sudden she hollered out.  Within seconds I knew mom was having a heart attack and had 911 on the phone.  Seconds seemed like hours while they talked to me, having me try different things while waiting for medical help and within 10 minutes the first para medics arrived but it was too late.  We lost mom that afternoon.  I am still in disbelief, I am still in denial.  I still sit and cry every single day because it just should not have happened.  Mom had so much ahead of her.  Yet it did.  No warning, no planning for it, no expectancy that it might happen.  I along with my siblings lost our mom, our hero, my best friend and here we are 3 months later and I am still totally lost and devastated. 

In the mean time she left my dad who has severe diabetes, an amputee because of it, with serious heart problems.  In June he was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer.  At 78 treatment was not an option between just his age and his already poor health.  Chemo would do nothing but make him sicker.  Radiation might give him a few more months but more likely would just make him sicker.  So here I am.  I know my mom dad knowing I would take care of dad.  I will not let her down so I moved in to stay with him.  We have hospice help, we have our routine, I have one sibling living here in the same state that helps where he can. 

Obviously this has made huge changes to my way of living.  I basically walked away from my home and belongings, leaving my kids and grandkids to attend to not only my belongings but my beloved Chihuahua.  Dad will not allow an animal in his house even a 4 lb cuddle bug.  I don't see many people, I try to maintain contact with my kids and grandkids on the phone or facebook, a sporadic few minutes visit here and there. 

What really bothers me is I have seemed to have lost my way with everything I normally do with my life.  I took a leave of absence from college.  I just cannot concentrate and do my work.  I seem to have little desire to create, my beads just sit there, silently, they don't even call to me.  I did start making my sequined Christmas ornaments because I want to do a long term fundraiser.  Hospice is amazing.  We all know what Hospice does in helping those with terminal illness stay at home if possible until life is over but they do so much more.  And they are dependant on fundraising and private donations for a great deal of it.  Any way I decided I wanted to find a way,even a very small way to pass it on so I will try to maintain a good stock of sequined ornaments throughout the year designating 10% of each sale to hospice.  I want to know that someone else will receive the caring attention that we are receiving now. 

So now I have shared my pain with the world once again.  I must just move forward.  Right now my attention needs to stay focused on dad, I have to forgive myself for not having the energy or desire to do much else but in the mean time plan.  I know I keep planning goals that for one reason or another I do not reach but I also know that I must continue to create and reach for goals.  Figuring out why blogger will not let me post my pictures needs to be one of them.