The day after

I truly hope everyone has had a wonderful, joyous Christmas.  I know it sounds bad but I am glad our holiday season is almost to an end.  Only because after New Years we will have gotten through all the major holidays for our first year without mom.  Of course we have tried hard but the emotions have gotten the best of us.  I truly look forward to working on healing to the point that next year I can enjoy the holidays with my children and grandchildren as I always have.  Even when there has been little or no money we have found a way to have fun and be together. 
I just started back to school last week.  One week of class and then we went on Christmas break.  But that is truly okay, I am out of practice on the school work and the week was a bit overwhelming.  But I look forward to getting back into the swing of things in January.  In the mean time I decided to stop worrying about my shop but while I spend hours sitting with dad everyday I have been stitching a nice stock pile of new pieces.  Sometime in January I will start posting them and filling up all the empty spaces.  Or not.  I am truly spending a lot of time thinking about what I could do different.  Etsy has not worked for me the last year.  All the changes they have been going through are very unhelpful to small shops like mine.  But from what I am looking at there does not seem to be much better out there so maybe this will be the time to work on putting my items up for sale directly on my website.  This will require a bit more thought.
Now that blogger is allowing me to post pictures again I will start showing you some of the new work soon.  In the mean time Everyone have a great New Year!

Sunday's

Well I could not do it again.  Shut down the GoFundMe page this morning.  I just do not have it in me.  I want to earn what I have and use my own common sense on how to handle things in my life.
So now I am brainstorming again.  The problem with my brain storming is that I am just not creative enough and the ideas do not flow freely.  But I have a few forming. 

What do you know!!!!! Blogger let me post a picture.  I love this one because I have so many family members in the service,  this morning my nephew Cory posted pictures of himself, He left in October to spend another year in Afghanistan.  He has been oversea's so many times but he has also been in the service for almost 20 years.  I feel really bad for my niece.  She and Cory have 2 boys, one is 13 and one is 7,  how hard it must be to constantly face a holiday or significant day such as birthdays and anniversaries knowing that dad will not be there to celebrate.  All they can ever do is pray he gets home safely to them. 

Things are quite here, dad is declining, little by little.  One of the Hospice Nurses told me yesterday he could be going into renal failure.  That is not fact, just an educated guess.  I hate getting up each day and not knowing what to expect next.  I wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me what is going to happen day by day so I could make a plan with my life.

In the mean time I will keep stitching away at my piles of beads while I come up with my next idea on how to raise money to fix everything. 

Have a great Sunday!

True Desperation

This week I hit a new low.  All the issues I have tried to be strong and deal with on my own for so very long have hit me upside the head and left me taking desperate action.  Last year, I opened a go fund me account,  I felt so very guilty.....I don't ask for handouts, I don't ask for any one to do anything I can try to do for myself....I shut it down within a few days.  Well the brave act has faded, the strength and willpower to continue trying on my own has been totally exhausted.  I can pretend all I want that my sense of humor will carry me through anything and my good upbringing will help me find the way to fix everything eventually......those thoughts have completely disappeared.  I am giving up because I am beyond tired.  I am once again reaching out for help.  I have started a new go fund me account.  With a bit of a twist this time that makes me feel a bit better about it.  I let it be known that if any one donated to this account I would send them one of my hand created items.  I will let them have choices of what they receive.  So in my mind, I am not really asking for charity...I am still working for every dime just like I was taught and just like I always have.  Of course it's only been up a few day's but I haven't even got traffic yet to look at it.  Would you do me a favor.....would you go take a look, read it, then come back and tell me what you think?  What could I do to make it more appealing?  Just a bit of feedback would help because I can't walk away from it this time.  If I do not get some help I am going to lose it.  I realize people that raise a lot of money on places like Go Fund Me have many family and friends that help raise the money.  I don't have either.  My family or what is left of it is not in a position to help.  My friends,  well I consider myself lucky in a way, I have many online friends.  But that is not the same as real life friends that really know me.  There is a difference when it comes to a situation like mine.  So please, if your willing to do what I am requesting,  go read it, come back and give me your thoughts and advice.  If you like what I have done, share it.  This is probably the most desperate cry for help I have ever made at what is probably the lowest point in my life ,   I thank you.  I know this is not the type of blog post to cheer up any one's day but I just do not know what else to do.  I have officially tried it all starting with working my butt off to market my business and then down the line to organizations and agencies that are supposed to be there to help, down to any one I know that might have a few dollars to spare.  But of course it is Christmas time so even those people have nothing to spare right now.   Any way here is the address of the post, I will be waiting with fingers crossed that someone here in blogger land will have some good advice to share:

http://www.gofundme.com/ijeltc

Still ticking away

Several more weeks have passed, the clock still ticks along and I wonder where the time goes.  My thoughts go from one extreme to the other because time is going by quickly and I wonder how is it that I feel like I have accomplished nothing.  Yet the time drags, day after day, dad and I have our routine set and we have the same things on our schedule every day.  Truth be told I have a lot of time on my hands to create that I did not have when at home with my normal day to day things.  I seem to be always working on a tray of beads, yet never seem to have much done.  My common sense tells me this is not true, beadweaving and stitching is a very time consuming craft, which means if I get several items done in a weeks time I have actually done a great deal of work.  So why do I feel like I am not accomplishing?  Maybe it is just the isolation, having no one around to talk to, share my progress with, bounce ideas off of.  Lets face it, living with a sick person who can not hear means there is never any type of conversation or interaction that will speed my day's along. 

The fact is I am settled with our routine for how ever long it lasts.  When it changes I will truly be ready for changes.  I am accomplishing things and if blogger would let me figure out how to put my pictures in, I would show you! 

For now I will continue to trudge through our days, follow our routine, miss my mom a bit more every day, and spend time thinking about what I want out of life in the months to come.  I do hope each and every one of you are looking towards our holiday season!

As the months roll by

Well many months later I still can't put a picture up.  I don't understand because I am doing the same things I have always done plus trying different things when the "right" way won't allow it.  Oh well.


Yes I have been missing for many months again.  A great deal has happened and once again life has managed to put a stop on all my ideas and plans.  For the last year I have been spending several day's a week at my folks house because they became more and more ill as the years has gone by.  Last July, I had just gotten there to spend my usual 2 or 3 days and my world got pulled right out from under my feet.  I had only been there an hour or so doing my usual pick up, clean up, wash some dishes routine.  My mom had been sick for a few day's again and I was questioning her when all of the sudden she hollered out.  Within seconds I knew mom was having a heart attack and had 911 on the phone.  Seconds seemed like hours while they talked to me, having me try different things while waiting for medical help and within 10 minutes the first para medics arrived but it was too late.  We lost mom that afternoon.  I am still in disbelief, I am still in denial.  I still sit and cry every single day because it just should not have happened.  Mom had so much ahead of her.  Yet it did.  No warning, no planning for it, no expectancy that it might happen.  I along with my siblings lost our mom, our hero, my best friend and here we are 3 months later and I am still totally lost and devastated. 


In the mean time she left my dad who has severe diabetes, an amputee because of it, with serious heart problems.  In June he was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer.  At 78 treatment was not an option between just his age and his already poor health.  Chemo would do nothing but make him sicker.  Radiation might give him a few more months but more likely would just make him sicker.  So here I am.  I know my mom dad knowing I would take care of dad.  I will not let her down so I moved in to stay with him.  We have hospice help, we have our routine, I have one sibling living here in the same state that helps where he can. 


Obviously this has made huge changes to my way of living.  I basically walked away from my home and belongings, leaving my kids and grandkids to attend to not only my belongings but my beloved Chihuahua.  Dad will not allow an animal in his house even a 4 lb cuddle bug.  I don't see many people, I try to maintain contact with my kids and grandkids on the phone or facebook, a sporadic few minutes visit here and there. 


What really bothers me is I have seemed to have lost my way with everything I normally do with my life.  I took a leave of absence from college.  I just cannot concentrate and do my work.  I seem to have little desire to create, my beads just sit there, silently, they don't even call to me.  I did start making my sequined Christmas ornaments because I want to do a long term fundraiser.  Hospice is amazing.  We all know what Hospice does in helping those with terminal illness stay at home if possible until life is over but they do so much more.  And they are dependant on fundraising and private donations for a great deal of it.  Any way I decided I wanted to find a way,even a very small way to pass it on so I will try to maintain a good stock of sequined ornaments throughout the year designating 10% of each sale to hospice.  I want to know that someone else will receive the caring attention that we are receiving now. 


So now I have shared my pain with the world once again.  I must just move forward.  Right now my attention needs to stay focused on dad, I have to forgive myself for not having the energy or desire to do much else but in the mean time plan.  I know I keep planning goals that for one reason or another I do not reach but I also know that I must continue to create and reach for goals.  Figuring out why blogger will not let me post my pictures needs to be one of them.

Ideas in motion

Technology is definitely not on my side right now.  Blogger will still not allow me to post my pictures!  I have spent the last three days fighting to get into the forums so I can touch base with my team and I have no way of entering the forums on Etsy.  No button to click, no link, nothing.  The only thing across the top of the page is different categories of things to buy.  I give up!!!


Any way, After my last post I decided to start doing some really serious thinking about my idea of just teaching classes.  I did not have one single person out of thousands who saw my link react to my -gofundme- post so I closed that down and moved on.  Then the perfect idea came along.  The apartment building I am living in has a small apartment right in front of mine coming up empty soon.  My family is going nuts not having enough room so we need to do something anyway.  It would be the perfect solution because I could "move" myself in using just the bedroom for my belongings (which would free up space for the rest of the family) and use the rest of the apartment as a working studio.  I have already approached my landlord about it and he is all for it.  Strangely enough even though there are residences here it is commercially zoned so there is no problem there.  Now I have several months to plan, organize, create class schedules and start advertising (not to mention come up with the money for my first month rent)
I have a really confident feeling, my area only had one real bead store.  She was full every day of the week with people wishing to sit at the table and learn basic beading skills.  When she retired she left the people with no where to go so I have a really good opportunity here.  Once again I have bounced from being miserable and ready to give up to being really excited with more new ideas going through my head.  I can't even express how excited I am...I have sooo much to do and I am starting now.


Now if someone could tell me why blogger won't let my pics appear I will be a happy camper tonight!

My usual disapearing act

Once again I have been missing for a while.  I just can't seem to keep up with life.  Since I posted in January, I have been much busier than I should be.  I babysit every weekend for my littlest grand baby.  It is so very hard to believe she will be a year old in 7 days but watching her grow from the day of her birth to now has been an amazing experience.  I know I have done this before but as the kids grow you do tend to forget all these little moments.  Amelia is so very funny, she has already developed a great personality and I am so joyful that my illnesses have not yet interfered with my time with her.
I am spending two or three days a week every week with my parents.  My siblings and I have talked about finding a better place for them to live, thinking "assisted living"  and that is just not working out really well, we have been looking for months and there is just nothing that the normal retired person can afford.  Even the ones that offer very, very little as far as senior housing had rents that were more than both my parents income put together.  Yet...they are not eligible for any kind of help because they have more income than allowable.  What a joke this has turned out to be.  Mean time I go spend a couple days with them each week to do the vacuuming, the laundry, help my mom get groceries, wash dishes, in general just make her rest a few days a week because she is suffering from one health problem after another,  Not a surprise at their age but that does not make it easier. 


I keep trying to post some new pictures and blogger won't let me, just freezes, I hate that, posts are boring without pictures!


Any way, I moved in the first week of January, gave my little trailer in cow country to move back in to help my daughter and grand kids, for some reason we just need each other to get by but I have to be honest.  I am so far beyond exhausted of trying to hold everything together and make ends meet and failing over and over again.  I keep thinking to myself, that's enough I need to go back to work. And I know I can't.  I know my physical body will not allow it.  The symptoms I am dealing with from the tumor still raising cane in my head (Henry) will not let me succeed. I know this because I failed the last 5 times I tried.  But nothing else seems to work.  Yet I keep trying to be optimistic.  I work at my Etsy shop faithfully, but get little notice these days.  It does not deter me, I keep trying.  I spend a great deal of time on my schoolwork and I have to say I am really proud of this because I am doing really well.  Then I wonder why I bother if my body will never allow me to go to work again. But then I have to remind myself how much it is helping my brain combat the effects of surgeries and Henry, each day I sit and do my school work is one more day that my brain continues to work. 


The constant financial struggle is killing me.  Last week I got my monthly disability check, it only pays the rent and that day we ended up taking my older granddaughter for one more trip to the ER. Story of our life.  Afterward I went to the drugstore and spent over $100.00 in medication for her, of course I took it out of the rent so the landlord is wanting to know when I will make that up.  I am so very, very tired of it.  I am tired of never being able to make ends meet when I strive everyday to do something to help myself.  I am tired of never ever having enough to eat.  I don't spend money on things I shouldn't.  I just don't have enough.  So with the constant battle to find money to live I go through my different moods, sometimes I am just ready to give up.  But...not often.  I am a fighter and I am the eternal optimist.  After a long conversation with a few family members it was pointed out to me that I created a business plan many, many years ago and part of that plan was to teach basic beading classes.  I could still do that.  If I could find a way to do classes on my time (I know what parts of the day I feel well enough) my days (easy enough to set up schedules and work my time with others around it) I could bring in enough to cover the basic living expenses I am missing right now.  I could also involve my daughter and grand daughter which would help them also. 


So after spending days thinking about all this and realizing I have few options I did something that I am not quite sure I am comfortable with.  And yes, now I am appealing to everyone I know.  My facebook friends, my twitter friends, my blog friends, my Etsy friends.  Could you please share a link for me?  It's a long shot that this will work but I see people raising thousands of dollars to have their pets fixed so what do I have to lose?  Not a darn thing, my pride disappeared long ago and now that desperation has set in I will just move forward and keep trying.


Please, share this link and I will be forever grateful:
http://www.gofundme.com/8046vc

A new year, new life changes

Life has been crazy once again.  I spend a great deal of time with my youngest grand baby and in mid December I decided I have to move.  Don't get me wrong, I love where I have been living for the last 6 months but the fact is I cannot afford it.  Matter of fact I have finally realized I can not afford to live anywhere on the amount of disability income I get each month.  So, after a good amount of thought I gave my landlord notice that I had to move.  I am going to once again try to share a home with my daughter and see if we can help each other get on our feet.  My dog Alex has been staying with my daughter for almost 2 weeks now anyway.  The night after Christmas we had to rush my mom to the hospital, she had a rather serious case of pneumonia.  My mom is a stubborn woman, does not like to bother people, does not want anyone to have to take care of my dad who cannot be alone, an amputee with very poor health, so she tends to suffer in silence until there is a really major problem.  I am so very thankful my brother and I decided we have to check up on her because if we had not we may very well have lost her within 24 hours.  So instead of being at home packing I have been babysitting my dad so my mom would stay put. 

I am working like a crazy woman to get this move done this weekend.  Monday ends my vacation from school so I want to be ready to sit and apply myself to my schoolwork.  I also have been doing a lot of thinking about my Etsy shop.  The sad fact is if I could improve sales just a little bit, I would have that extra bit of money to make ends meet.  So I started doing some research.  Here is what I came up with:  My sequined ornaments sell twice as often as my beadwork.  That tells me I have to concentrate more on my ornament work.  My beadwork?  Well I have a certain loyal following that purchases my amulet bags, thank goodness for that because I would never be able to give up making them.  But that said I have to start making a lot more other things than the amulet bags and I think it is time to start putting the time into doing some of the more funky beadwork I enjoy that also commandeers a bit higher price point. 

I was also recently was contacted by a friend.  Her fiancé owns a woodworking business, does kitchen cabinets and that type of thing.  They are in the process of building a new workshop and adding a gift shop besides.  She has asked to carry a line of my jewelry.  It would be on consignment but she is a person I trust completely, she has sold work for me before on consignment and has never let me down.

So I do have a full plate setting in front of me just waiting for me to take advantage and work for it.  This is exactly what I shall do because it is time for my life to change and I only I can make it happen.

Happy 2014 to everyone!