Thursday, April 10, 2014

My usual disapearing act

Once again I have been missing for a while.  I just can't seem to keep up with life.  Since I posted in January, I have been much busier than I should be.  I babysit every weekend for my littlest grand baby.  It is so very hard to believe she will be a year old in 7 days but watching her grow from the day of her birth to now has been an amazing experience.  I know I have done this before but as the kids grow you do tend to forget all these little moments.  Amelia is so very funny, she has already developed a great personality and I am so joyful that my illnesses have not yet interfered with my time with her.
I am spending two or three days a week every week with my parents.  My siblings and I have talked about finding a better place for them to live, thinking "assisted living"  and that is just not working out really well, we have been looking for months and there is just nothing that the normal retired person can afford.  Even the ones that offer very, very little as far as senior housing had rents that were more than both my parents income put together.  Yet...they are not eligible for any kind of help because they have more income than allowable.  What a joke this has turned out to be.  Mean time I go spend a couple days with them each week to do the vacuuming, the laundry, help my mom get groceries, wash dishes, in general just make her rest a few days a week because she is suffering from one health problem after another,  Not a surprise at their age but that does not make it easier. 

I keep trying to post some new pictures and blogger won't let me, just freezes, I hate that, posts are boring without pictures!

Any way, I moved in the first week of January, gave my little trailer in cow country to move back in to help my daughter and grand kids, for some reason we just need each other to get by but I have to be honest.  I am so far beyond exhausted of trying to hold everything together and make ends meet and failing over and over again.  I keep thinking to myself, that's enough I need to go back to work. And I know I can't.  I know my physical body will not allow it.  The symptoms I am dealing with from the tumor still raising cane in my head (Henry) will not let me succeed. I know this because I failed the last 5 times I tried.  But nothing else seems to work.  Yet I keep trying to be optimistic.  I work at my Etsy shop faithfully, but get little notice these days.  It does not deter me, I keep trying.  I spend a great deal of time on my schoolwork and I have to say I am really proud of this because I am doing really well.  Then I wonder why I bother if my body will never allow me to go to work again. But then I have to remind myself how much it is helping my brain combat the effects of surgeries and Henry, each day I sit and do my school work is one more day that my brain continues to work. 

The constant financial struggle is killing me.  Last week I got my monthly disability check, it only pays the rent and that day we ended up taking my older granddaughter for one more trip to the ER. Story of our life.  Afterward I went to the drugstore and spent over $100.00 in medication for her, of course I took it out of the rent so the landlord is wanting to know when I will make that up.  I am so very, very tired of it.  I am tired of never being able to make ends meet when I strive everyday to do something to help myself.  I am tired of never ever having enough to eat.  I don't spend money on things I shouldn't.  I just don't have enough.  So with the constant battle to find money to live I go through my different moods, sometimes I am just ready to give up.  But...not often.  I am a fighter and I am the eternal optimist.  After a long conversation with a few family members it was pointed out to me that I created a business plan many, many years ago and part of that plan was to teach basic beading classes.  I could still do that.  If I could find a way to do classes on my time (I know what parts of the day I feel well enough) my days (easy enough to set up schedules and work my time with others around it) I could bring in enough to cover the basic living expenses I am missing right now.  I could also involve my daughter and grand daughter which would help them also. 

So after spending days thinking about all this and realizing I have few options I did something that I am not quite sure I am comfortable with.  And yes, now I am appealing to everyone I know.  My facebook friends, my twitter friends, my blog friends, my Etsy friends.  Could you please share a link for me?  It's a long shot that this will work but I see people raising thousands of dollars to have their pets fixed so what do I have to lose?  Not a darn thing, my pride disappeared long ago and now that desperation has set in I will just move forward and keep trying.

Please, share this link and I will be forever grateful:

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