Sunday, April 5, 2015
Wishing everyone a very Happy Easter, Passover, any holiday or non holiday you are enjoying today. My day has been so very quiet and different than any past Easter. I have spent every holiday of the last 36 years surrounded by my children and grandchildren. Today I am alone with my dad, not really sure if he realizes it is Easter but I think so, I catch him looking at mom's picture very often so I know she is on his mind, just as it is mine. I thought when we made it through Christmas and New years we have managed to get through every "first" major holiday without her. I was wrong, I forgot about Easter, so here we are getting through the day, quietly as if it were any other day, both of us silently thinking about her, missing her, and of course still wondering why this happened. We know, our common sense kicks in, we also know mom is just fine, we are the ones still dealing with pain. But none of that helps us miss her any less. The picture above is one of the last events mom and dad went to while still fairly healthy, my mom looked just as beautiful when she passed as she does in this picture. I miss her so. This would be easier if the kids were around to distract me but once we have gone to bed tonight we will have made it through one more milestone.
Dad is declining by the day, I can do nothing but watch while it happens and I do not know whether I should be angry that he is lingering and suffering or be thankful that he has outlived the time the doctors have given him. It shall soon be done and I will decide the next phase of my life.
I do not mean to bring you down, I just feel the need to put my pain out into the universe somewhere, it seems easier to handle when I can share it and those who have lost a parent or other loved one are already familiar with this feeling. I have not been real active in the shop but I am working away at some ornaments and I have 5 amulet bags in progress, Just don't feel in a huge hurry to list right now, seems to make no sense to keep spending money when there is no activity and there truly has been no activity in my Etsy shop for a while. I spend a lot of time wondering why I continue with it but I really hate to leave the community. It has made a difference just for the interaction and friendships alone over the years since I first got sick. So I just keep putting off any decision making and I think I am okay with that right now, I have time, lot's of time and eventually when I do decide what I want to do it will be the right one.
Enjoy your day, your family, your friends and have a bit of Easter Candy for me!