Change

I spent some time this weekend playing with ideas.  Trying to come up with way's to change up my work while staying true to what I love.  This flash drive holder came to mind.  I have made many of them as necklaces but then got to thinking, If I could turn it into a keychain how handy would that be?  I know college students and people who work with computers alway's have their flash drive with them.  My first attempt isn't perfect but I think I may have a good idea....I'll keep working on it.

Downtown

The middle of December and I am very sadly lacking in any kind of Christmas spirit.  I am the one who if nothing else dives into making ornaments and bakes cookies and makes silly things just for one.  Just not happening so far.  So heading out for my almost daily trip to the library, which seems to have become my "job" so I can stay in touch with the world, I decided to take my time walking downtown.  Saratoga Springs is a small community and one of the things that stand out is the main street in town is full with small, Independantly owned stores.  While we seem to accumulate a few chain stores we still have many, many privately owned places with unique products.  The point here though is that these store owners take great care dressing the store window's this time of year.  Each store, no matter what they sell has enough glitter and shine in the window to make even me happy.  What a great way to get inspired.  I find as I walk down the road, stopping to look at each window display , new idea's start making their way into my brain.  It was a good way to slow down and pull myself out of the dumps and I think when I get home I will have some new idea's to play with.,

Revisiting Favorites

I am finding that I am running out of new idea's of different designs.  Maybe it's burnout after 30 some years of weaving my beads into new ideas' but I'm thinking there is nothing wrong with remaking some that I loved when I first created them.  For alot of years I felt like I never wanted to make the same thing twice so every person who purchased or was gifted with my work had a one of a kind item.  Maybe just getting older is changing my point of view but either way, I love working on cuff's and this one was a favorite so I let myself make another.  Maybe I'm just at a temporary block and more new idea's will start flowing soon.  We shall see...

Thinking

One of the reasons I started my blog was to get down in writing what was in my head so I could move on.  Then I find that everytime things get rough I stop because I don't want these thoughts written.  It's seem's too much like whining.  But I am wrong.  Writing it down seem's to help me think things through and create goals to look forward to.  So, time to fess up on what's been going on and keep up while I make some progress.
Those of you who have been reading my blog from the very first entries know my whole illness story.  What I never seem to want to admit is that I am so stubborn that I cannot or could not accept certain things about my illness.  That is probably why each year I attempt again and again to work.  My parents worked hard and raised my siblings and I to work for whatever we wanted and needed in life.  I learned that lesson well from them so it has alway's seemed to me anything else was nothing more than looking for a hand out or whining poor me!  Not my style so... I have attempted 4 times over the last 4 years to return to work.  Each attempt has made me more sick and needing more surgery.  This last attempt needs to be my last because I worked hard, I had a goal of working full time and being responsible for myself and family.  Now of course I am looking at another surgery.  Won't have all the info until I see the Neuro in February but that's besides the point.  Every time I have to leave my job due to my disability I feel like a failure.  I feel like I have let alot of people down, I feel like a whiner.  I have realized that right now is the time to change how I view things.  I am not a failure.  I am a disabled person who tries hard to rise above it.  I am not a whiner.  I'm tougher than alot of people would be in my shoes.  Can I be responsible for myself?  That's a tough one.  A monthly disability check does not take care of basic necessities let alone responsibilities.  But can I deal?  Well I have to learn to.  What I have to learn is that the small check I get every month is not a hand out.  I worked 37 years for that.  So bottom line on me is that it is time to make an attitude adjustment.  I can not attempt work again and I have to learn to be okay with the person I am and being sick does not make me any less of the person I have alway's been.   There , I said it outloud in public so now I have to stick to what I say.

Now onto my Tori.  My beautiful, 16 year old granddaughter who has suffered with one illness after another since kindergarten.  Tori is in bed with Mono. Again.  Tori has had mono at least 1 or 2 times a year since kindergarten.  Going through another round of testing and labs the Dr.s have decided that the virus just never leaves her.  It lay's dormant in her blood stream until it's in the mood to flare up and make her sick.  Tori is going through CT's for the Sinus disease that seems to get worse every year.  She will be seeing her neuro as soon as she is better from the mono because they want all new CT"s on the spinal and neck deterioration.
This past month while in the process of all this blood testing, Tori was diagnosed with severe RA.  This was not a surprise to me.  I asked them to test her for it 3 years ago because her father was crippled by it in his early 20"s but I quess it's one of those things that can't be tested while a child is growing.  The day we were told this she just sat and cried , she kept saying I told you I wasn't crazy, I told you I really hurt.  And hurt she does.  This kid has lived for years with pain every single day of her life.  She has been told that she is a hypochondriac, she has been told she is depressed, she has been told she is overly dramatic (this all by Dr.s and Nurses.)  Nope this kid hurts like an 70 year old person and alway's will.  My heart breaks for her and there is little I can do.  I surely can't change it so with my new attitude adjustment what can I do?  Then I got it.  Back when we were told that Tori had Thyroid Cancer I created a special amulet bag and called it "For the Love of  Tori"  So it is time to get busy working and creating a whole line of these bags.  Sales would help me provide things for her, even if it's just a new movie because we have seen every one in the Public Library at least 5 times and not being able to get out of bed much is really boring.  It's an idea, a goal to work towards and it's being proactive about what we are dealing with and not feeling like I'm whining.

So I guess there is whole lot of stuff I have forgotten here but I'm getting the thought process down and feeling good about a way to move forward.  If I have to type it down here as I go along I will feel the need to be accountable and keep striving forward.  Thank you for that ;o)

Holiday ornaments

Sometimes I just need to giggle.  It is that time of year when I am frantic to make more "Christmas" type ornaments.  Santa's and train, boots and mittens......I get my first custom order of the season and does she want Santa's?  Nope she wants butterflies!  I absolutely love it since my favorite thing to make in the world will alway's be my butterflies!  This picture is her order, I just got it listed for her now on to my next custom order.....Chili peppers.  What fun!

Thinking step by step

I am in the middle of making some major decisions.  Some may be life changing but I am trying to take my time and think things through very carefully.  This week, I am thinking about the fact that I need to come up with a big chunk of money and it's not going to fall out of the sky so, step one.   I know I have boxes and bags of craft supplies that I don't use.  I alway's think I might someday, that's why I keep them.  Well it's time to get a bit tough with myself and list them item by item on ebay.  Will it solve my financial issues?  No but the fact is , it is a step forward and by putting into motion I will be proactive on working on the problem while I think through the next idea that comes to mind.  Maybe if I can keep myself focused and just keep stepping forward I could surprise myself and come up with a few good plans.  So this week I listed a bag of inexpensive seed beads that I cannot use, a bead weaving loom that is the wrong type for me, today a big old bag of sequins.  Now I will go home and dig through a box to decide what's going on the list tomorrow. 

Thanksgiving

Ignoring my sideway's Santa,  tomorrow is thanksgiving and the library is closed so wanted to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving.  Going from one extreme to the other, not being able to work again, I am stitching and beading like crazy trying to revive my Etsy shop.  Doing alot of destashing on Ebay, need to clean out and pare down plus work on this sea of medical debt before the next round starts.  I think it feels good to be able to do these things again and making a point of getting on the computer when I get to the library to post new items and be involved in a bit of conversation. 
Hoping you all have a wonderful time with family and friends during the holiday's.

A fresh start

Ready to make some more life changes, soon I will fill you in a bit on what has been going on but today, the short version is that my Dr. has made me stop working again.  I have some very mixed feelings. I am sad about it, I feel like I have let myself and my coworkers down once again,  I am worried about it, obviously I lose a paycheck with no support but I must admit,  I have put aside my beadwork for a long time and I have missed it.  I am going back to creating each day and finding time to be online and all the little things I used to do.  I am learning to be flexible and more accepting of my own limitations.

Missing again?

I was honestly surprised to look in tonight and see how very long it has been since I posted.  Well I have to be very, very honest.  Life has been more than rough and I just haven't wanted to share with any one so I just kind of put everything on hold while I worked,  I worked more than I should have or could without making my illness worse.  But I did.  The sad part is while I was striving for answers to the illness in my house and the means to carry on and move forward I just made things worse.  Not only am I more sick but I am still drowning in a sea of medical debt.  But I do realize that I have been going about things wrong.  I need to get back to what's normal for me.  I need to start creating again.  Even if every beaded item I ever make sit's in my shop for ever, the creating is an important part of me.  I need to get back to the small way's I socialize.  My blog, yes I can find way's to keep up without alway's being down.  My Etsy circle,  being a part of the community is an important part and I have neglected things badly.  I am smart enough to know that is not helpful to me.  Okay, that's all I have to say for now but I promise I am going to start getting back to my life and I promise to share the good parts (or as soon as I can figure out the changes to blogger ;o)

Going in Circles?

I have been home for just about 6 months again dealing with my illness. If you know me, you know that 6 months of being at home is enough to make me stir crazy. I am just not the type of person that can accept that kind of life and be content with it. Sooo a few weeks ago I decided that since I once again have my illness under control, it was time to once again join the living. First I went back to my part time job at Soave Faire. On and off between bouts of illness I have worked there since 1999. As much as I complain about how pysically painful it gets and how completely exhausted I get, mentally this keeps me going and feeling good about myself. I have great friends in my co-workers and enjoy pitching in with them. Then I called my Avon director and told her I was ready to start my Avon business again, so now up to my elbow's in books and literature getting ready to go hunt up my old customers and hopefully snag a few new ones.
I must admit my Etsy shop is showing signs of neglect, just not making room for everything but spent the last day or so trying to get back on track. I have new work to list, just looking for the time and energy to get my pictures taken and listings up.
Now to tell you about today's picture. My daughter was looking for a gift for her hubby. He is a huge Bronco's fan, has a wall of memento's. She asked if I could create a beaded picture with the Bronco logo. I had to really think about it because copyrights etc. But then I decided, I am not selling it, would never try to create a copyrighted work and sell it, it was a gift pure and simple to my daughter so why not? Once I decided it was okay, I grabbed an 11"x14" canvas, painted the background grey and with a little tracing to help me get the logo as close as possible to the real thing , beaded it up!

Trying to work

I am pleased to finally finish another beaded painting. I find it very frustrating to have so many things going on that I can't keep up with the work I love but I am making a committment to myself to carve out the time I need to catch up and stay there. It is time to just put my blinders on and concentrate on what I want to accomplish. That said, I have several half finished projects and am finishing them up and getting them posted before I start anything new. Hope everyone is having a great week.

Kids

Things have gotten busy again and I have neglected my little spot here once more. Today's picture is just for smiles. My grand daughter and her best friend who happens to spend more time at my house than her own. They both just went through breakups with their boyfriends.
One afternoon, I sent them to clean the living room. I expected music. I did not expect this scene, they pulled out all the speakers and sat in this chair singing at the top of their lungs a heartbreaking love song. Just made me smile while at the same time brought me to tears. Such a little thing that makes you just stop for a minute and think, God I love these characters. What would I do without them?

My job as Mom

Something was said to me the other day and my gut reaction was "how does any person treat their child that way no matter how old they are". But then it got me thinking how I as the mom of adult children , view my role in their life. Here it is, When my kids became legally adults it was no longer my job to direct what they do or think, or decide how they will live. If I have done my job right while they were growing up, I have instilled values, morals and the common sense to make decisions about their life and now it is time for them to make those decisions on their own. It is not my place to voice my dislike or condemn them if I am not happy with those decision. I can have those thoughts but that is where it ends, biting my tongue if necessary. What is my job? My job is to love them, support them, cheer them on if they make a good decision, and be just as ready to help them pick up the pieces if they make a bad one. That's it , nothing more is up to me. Your thoughts?

Stress Relief

Yes, my answer to stress. I think I have probably stated more than once that the more I stress the harder I bead and this picture is proof positive. My mom had minor surgery on December 14th and I made arrangements to stay at her house for a while to make sure she followed Dr.s orders. I started making some basic bags to embellish at home later. Of course, typical to my life there has been the usual ton of stressers going on at my own house, lot's of things happening so I just keep beading away and here is the results of this month of stress relief. All new items. Course that gets me thinking, I still need to work harder on other types of items for my shop because amulet bags are just a small niche but I soooo love making them I find it difficult to stop even knowing I need to do more of other things. So yes I will try very hard to make necklaces and bracelets and maybe throw in a earring or two but I cannot fight the urge to continue to do what I have done best for 30 years. Amulet bags, wish bags, treasure bags, call them what you want, they have my heart and passion forever.

Optimism

I guess it's good to say Happy New Year even though we are a week into it. Hoping everyone's holiday's were good, I must admit mine were the most emotionally painful yet. Life has been more than just a bit rough these past month's but I am using the typical New Resolution to decide that no matter how tough things have been, I will choose to continue being Optimistic. Things will get better, I will continue to work towards my goals, one of them being restoring health for myself and my family, I will learn new beading techniques, or may be not, I am still having a great time with the beaded paintings , and lately I have been working hard on my amulet bag's and enjoying it. I hate the fact that I do not have my home internet and can't put up new pictures. Soon. Soon. I am optimistic I will find a way to get my tv and internet back soon.
So there you have it, my new years resolution is to continue to be completely 100% Optimistic about things to come. What's yours ;o)